Grief.

That one word has so much power over us, doesn’t it?  When we lose someone we love, it literally takes our breath away.  It can knock us down and leave us feeling hopeless if we let it.  

Over the last 12 months, I have lost the second man I have loved in my life (I lost the first one over 16 years ago), my biological mother, and my sweet daddy.  I know the road of grief all too well.  I know how hard and unbearable it can be.  I know that there is nothing anyone can really say to make it better.  I know the anger that swells up inside of you.  I know the pain and the sleepless nights and the memories that haunt you.  I know the tears and the anxiety that each day brings.  I know…

Looking at the analytics of my blog, my post 15 Scriptures When You Are Grieving remains my most popular post.  You are not alone in your grief.  I am not alone in my grief.  There are so many people looking for answers, looking for comfort, looking for something to help them during their time of loss.

I don’t have the answers.  I don’t have a magic cure.  I wish I did.  All I can do is share with you how I survived this past year without Timothy.  How I will continue to survive the firsts ahead without my mom or my daddy.  

1. Leaning on my girls

When I lost my husband over 12 years ago, I just put my focus on my girls to help get me through some of those first days.  They were only 2 and 4 years old and they still needed me. I wanted their life to be as normal as possible so I didn’t change a thing.  I still gave them their baths that first night and every night afterward.  I still took them to gymnastics and to school and to dance.  I spent so much time making sure they were ok, I forgot to make sure that I was.

When I lost Timothy last July, I learned to lean on my girls.  They are 19 and 20 now and they could handle it this time.  My oldest was with me when I found out and she just held me and cried with me.  I was going to drive to his house and she took the keys from me and drove me herself.  

They both left me alone when I wanted to be alone but would check on me every now and then.  They wouldn’t let me drive anywhere that first couple of weeks without one of them with me.  They made sure I ate enough even when I didn’t want to eat.  They took care of me this time and I didn’t realize how much I needed that until just now.

Then a few months later we added a new “Davis girl” to the family.  I am not an animal person so this was a shock to everyone who knows me.  My girls have asked for a puppy since they could talk and I would never get one because to me it was one more thing I had to take care of and we were just too busy to give a puppy the love and attention he or she would need.

This time when they asked, I said yes and I am so glad that I did.  I honestly said yes because I knew having a puppy would help with my depression and she really did!  She immediately became a part of our little family, fitting right in.  It really seemed as if she were made just for us!  

So now I spoil her rotten and she is more my dog than the girls’ especially since they have both moved out just recently.  I am so thankful she is still here with me loving on me each and every day; greeting me daily with kisses and excitement, snuggling with me when we watch TV, sleeping by me at night, and running with me in the mornings. She truly brings me joy!

Do you have someone in your family that you can lean on?  It’s okay for you to lean on them.  It doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make you less.  Lean on them.  They can take it and they welcome it!

I also highly recommend adopting an animal as I did!  Their unconditional love is very healing!

2. My Prayer Warriors

I am truly blessed by the best Prayer Warriors around.  (I even wrote a post about them here.)  I have so many who pray for me and with me, who cry for me and with me, and who check up on me from time to time even now.  When I was too angry to pray, they stood in the gap for me.  They left me alone when I asked at first but then made me get out of the house when I still didn’t want to go.  One friend let me just lay my head on her lap and cry and scream as her tears silently fell along with mine.  Another friend told me she was coming to my house after I had kept putting her off for a couple of weeks.  She showed up and came in and listened to my cries and counseled me the best she could through her own tears. 

My prayer warriors felt the pain with me when I lost Timothy.  They knew what a blow that was for me and I’m sure some worried it would shake my faith.  They felt the pain with me as I got the news of losing my mom a few months later and they felt the pain with me as I spent over a week in the hospital with my daddy watching him die.  Knowing there were no words they could say to me, they asked God to supply them with what I needed.  I have clung to each one at different times during the stages of my grief and each one of them has honored God well in trying to help me heal.

I encourage you to lean on your Prayer Warriors!  Have a regular girls’ night to get out of the house and talk through the emotions you are still feeling.  They will listen!  I still have to talk about it and I will for a long time to come.  Your true friends will still be there for you when you are crying a year later or ten years later!

3. Binge-watching a lot of TV

I know this one might seem silly but it’s what I did.  It is still what I do sometimes when I need an escape.  It’s a nice way to take a break from grieving and get lost in someone else’s story. It’s not good to run away from it all but it is good to take a break. Grieving is emotionally draining and it’s okay to take a break from it.  There are still days I can’t take the silence.  I know this isn’t the answer for everyone but it’s what I did to help.  I holed up in my room and watched my TV that Timothy gave me for Christmas one year.  In fact, in the last conversation we had, he asked me when was the last time I had watched it because he knew I never took the time to just relax and do something as mindless as watch TV in my bedroom.  Now I find it helps some days.

4. Learning it’s okay to not be okay

This is a hard one for me.  Sometimes I feel like others expect me to just pick myself up and move on just because I am a child of God.  I felt like I let people down because I was drowning in my grief for so long.  I didn’t want to pray.  I was angry with God.  I didn’t understand.

And then when I got to the point where I was praying, I didn’t understand why the grief could still swallow me up so suddenly and knock me back down so quickly. Why couldn’t I just be okay again?

I had a friend tell me it was okay to not be okay.  She said I had been through a lot and no one expected me to be perfect.  Another friend told me she was proud of me just for getting out of bed that day and going to work.  She said I was doing more than a lot of others could do in my situation including her.  

I needed to be thankful for the victories, even the small ones like getting out of bed and getting dressed. I know how grief works.  I’ve been down this road several times and I needed to remember there is no time limit on grief.  There is no expectation of my grieving.  I needed to remember it was okay to not be okay because there are going to still be many days ahead that I’m not okay.  

5. Music

Music has always been a big part of my life.  My girls and I absolutely love music!  I actually have two posts about music, 20 Faith-filled Songs for Your Running Playlist, and 5 Songs for When You Need a Little Encouragement. 

Worshiping the Lord with music truly heals my soul!  The Lord always gives me a new song for every season of life.  I play it over and over so that I can learn all the words and sing it at the top of my lungs!  Seriously, people probably look at me crazy as I drive down the road or as I walk in my neighborhood.  

When I go to bed to sleep and when I’m driving in the car by myself is when my grief tends to hit me the most so I listen to the songs I know and love.  At night it plays softly by my head so that I concentrate on the words of the songs instead of my circumstances as I fall asleep.  As I drive down the road, I sing along to the healing words of Different by Micah Tyler, Beautifully Broken by Plumb, or any song on Anthony Evan’s Back to Life album.  

When we worship the Lord, we draw nearer to Him.  We open ourselves up to Him for change and for healing.

So turn the music up and worship Him!  You will feel so much better when you do!

6. The Word of God

I can always draw comfort from the Word of God.  There has never been a time that I’ve opened my Bible and not found something that spoke to me personally.  I’ve written scriptures on my bathroom mirror, on the microwave, on sticky notes, and in spirals.  Surrounding myself with His Word really helps me in those difficult moments.  It helps me breathe when I can’t seem to catch my breath, it helps me focus when my mind wanders, and it teaches me valuable lessons I need to learn to make it through the day.

I went searching for Scriptures just for grieving and found so many that I loved.  I narrowed them down to 15 Scriptures When You Are Grieving and even created a PDF of those scriptures. There is only one written on my bathroom mirror right now and it’s my favorite one at the moment.

7. My Heavenly Father

I struggled for just a minute by not putting Him first on this list.  Don’t think for one second He isn’t first in my life because He is and He continues to be the most instrumental part of my healing.  Even when I was angry, He was there.  Even when I wouldn’t pray, He was there.  Even when I was driving around in my car screaming at Him at the top of my lungs, He was there. 

My God is a big God and He could take my anger and my frustration.  He knew I was angry so I might as well tell Him.  There is no hiding from God.  I should have been more respectful in my anger because He deserves that.  I’m thankful that He is a forgiving Father.

I am thankful He picks me up every single time.  I am thankful He did not leave me comfortless.  He comforted me even when I didn’t ask.  His timing through it all was perfect.  

When I lost Timothy, I was supposed to have an empty house with both girls off to college but Ravyn stayed home her second year of college because of dance.  The Lord made sure I wasn’t alone.

The second semester, Brooklyn came home and commuted to college so not only were both my girls home to spend more time with my daddy, they were both home when we lost him.  We were able to lean on each other and comfort each other.

Just weeks before my daddy went into the hospital, I told the girls they needed to spend more time with their grandpa and they each started to go see him on their own.

The Lord was at work through it all.  Leaving us with no regrets.  Giving us as much time as possible before our loved ones left this world to go home.

I do not understand the why of it all but I understand the Who of it all.  My Heavenly Father has walked beside me through it all.  He has a plan for my life.  There will be beauty made from the ashes.  He has already begun.  He gives me hope.  Because I know Him and have a relationship with Him, I know that death is only temporary.  I will see my loved ones again.

I also know He has promised me He will not cause pain without letting something new be born. (Isaiah 66:9) He always has a plan and we just need to trust Him.  

I have to daily lay my grief at His feet. I saved Him for towards the end so that He would be fresh on your mind as I close with the final step in my ongoing healing…

8. Helping Others

The Scripture tells us in Isaiah 48:10 that the Lord refines us in the furnace of suffering. 

In our suffering, we draw closer to Him.  We seek Him and depend solely on Him.  In our suffering, we learn how to pray.  It is in our suffering that He breaks us down and builds us back up, or refines us, into who we are meant to be.

As He refines us, He uses us for His honor and His glory! 

We are meant to help others.  Our testimonies of what we have endured and what we have overcome through the Lord will help others who are dealing with the same set of circumstances.  They are going through the storm you just came out of.  They are being put in the furnace you just escaped with the help of the Lord.  They need to hear that if He will do it for you, He will do it for them!

I am here to tell you that if He can bring me through, He can certainly bring you through as well!  There is nothing extraordinary about me.  I am a child of God, just like you!  

The great thing about helping others is the healing it brings you too!  As I write this, the Lord speaks to me and heals me.  He always reveals something to me I didn’t know before.  He always shows me a glimpse of His plan for me.  

I am thankful to be used by God.  

I don’t know what exact struggle brought you here today, but I know it was not by accident. Maybe you are grieving the loss of someone you love.  Maybe you are grieving a marriage that seems dead and you need to take it to the Lord for restoration.  Maybe you’ve just wandered away from God and are desperately seeking your way back to Him.

I pray that these words somehow comfort you, that they somehow encourage you, but most of all that they somehow bring you closer to the Lord.  There is no true joy without Him!  He is waiting for you to come to Him!  There is nothing you are going through that He cannot handle!  

If you need prayer, please leave it in the comments even if it’s only your name.  You don’t have to share your circumstances unless you feel led to.  God knows your need and I will be praying for you!  

Blessings, 

If you having trouble praying during this season and need some inspiration, then I suggest the book by Anne Graham Lotz called The Light of His Presence: Prayers to Draw Near to the Heart of God. (affiliate link) It was recommended to me recently and has truly helped me in my prayer life.  There have been so many times when I have bowed my head to pray and have been at a loss for words.  You wouldn’t think I would ever be at a loss for words but when those moments happen, I will read one of Anne’s prayers and be inspired to pray my own!

If you need a place where women share with one another, pray for one another, and encourage one another then join my Facebook group called Moving Forward in Faith